Gingivitis
by fallingwthstyle
Summary: It's time for the annual fall cleaning at Jimbo and Ned's residence. Written for the South Park Drabblebomb prompt 'clean.'


Ned picked up the almost-empty bright yellow can of Lemon Pledge furniture polish and gave the already shiny wood surface of the bar in their den/mancave the last spritz the can would probably ever produce. He set the can down and picked up the polishing rag and began rubbing the few drops the can had sprayed into the wood.

Jimbo was busying himself dusting the objects on their bric-a-brac shelf with a rainbow colored feather duster. He carefully brushed all the nooks and crannies of a shiny brass trophy he'd won last year for marksmanship and set it back on the shelf, and moved on to pick up the horse skull he had found on a hunting trip in Wyoming ten years ago. It was one of his favorite possessions, a souvenier from an unforgettable vacation he and Ned had spent together while they celebrated their thirtieth anniversary; over the years, pieces of the skull including the lower jaw and most of the elongated nose had fallen off, but the rest of it was mostly intact.

As he lifted it from the shelf, one of the skull's back molars fell from its socket and landed on the shelf with a hollow clunk and rattled for a second before coming to rest. He stared at the knuckle-sized tooth for a moment, dismayed.

"Aww," he said. "One of its teeth fell out!"

Ned set the rag on the counter and walked around the corner of the bar to join his lover. They regarded the fallen tooth for a moment; then Ned lifted his Electrolarynx device and held it to his throat. A humming sound came from the device, and Ned's electronic voice filled the room.

 **"hmm...you should have flossed his teeth."**

That remark was so unexpected that Jimbo burst out laughing. He looked down at the horse skull he was holding. "I should have _flossed_ my horse skull's teeth?" he asked sarcastically.

Ned nodded, his face completely serious. He held his device to his throat again and said, **"hmm...he probably has gingivitis."**

Jimbo laughed again, going along with Ned's bullshit. "So...you think maybe I should take it to Hell's Pass Clinic for a physical?"

Without missing a beat (or moving his Electrolarynyx) Ned replied **"hmm...the doctor might want to check his prostate."**

By now, Jimbo was laughing so hard he could barely stand up. He set the horse skull back on the shelf, carefully so as not to dislodge any more pieces from the fragile ten year old bones. He barely managed to gasp, "Anything else they should check him for?"

Ned lowered his Electrolarynyx while he appeared to seriously consider the question. After a few moments he seemed to come to a decision and raised his device again.

 **"hmm...you should probably have him checked for glaucoma."**

Jimbo looked at the skull's huge empty eyesockets and completely lost it laughing. He sank to his knees in front of the bric-a-brac shelf, waving his hands in front of his face as if trying to ward off a swarm of mosquitoes back in Vietnam.

"Stop...stop..."

Ned grinned. He set his Electrolarynyx on the bar and carefully picked up the skull (everything he did was more difficult and took more time with only one arm). He studied the skull closely for a moment, then set it back on the shelf again. Jimbo was almost dreading what he was going to say next as Ned once again held his device to his throat.

 **"hmm...alas poor Yorick, I knew him well..."**

Jimbo rolled himself into a ball on the floor laughing, and it was only then that Ned recalled Jimbo's heart attack three years ago, and how the doctors had told him that he needed to 'take it easy' from now on. Jimbo looked like he was practically strangling himself laughing, and Ned knelt on the floor next to him, his Electrolarynyx on the bar temporarily forgotten.

"Hey," Ned said, cradling his best friend and lover of almost 40 years in his one arm, his voice a barely audible raspy whisper without his device. "Are you okay?"

Jimbo nodded, slowly getting himself under control. "Yeah..." He gasped and nodded. "And besides, if I'm going to die, I'd rather die laughing."

Ned nodded, still studying Jimbo closely for any signs of actual distress. Jimbo looked winded and short of breath, but the color in his face was good; during the heart attack while they were waiting for the ambulance, his face had been a terrifying cottage cheese color and Ned had been almost certain he was going to die before he made it to the hospital.

"Sorry, buddy." Ned's voice wouldn't have been understandable if it weren't an inch from Jimbo's ear, and if Jimbo hadn't heard it thousands of times before over the years. "I didn't mean to make you laugh that hard."

"It's okay Ned," Jimbo replied. He was recovering nicely. "And like I said...if I'm going to die..."

Ned pulled him closer and reached around Jimbo's shoulder to press his index finger against Jimbo's lips, silencing him. "You're _not_ going to die tonight."

Jimbo looked at him gratefully, and after a minute they carefully stood up together, Ned holding most of Jimbo's not inconsiderable weight under his one remaining arm until they were both leaning against the bar. Ned picked up his Electrolarynyx again and held it to his throat.

 **"hmm...We're almost out of Lemon Pledge anyway."**

"We'll finish cleaning tomorrow," Jimbo said with a firm nod, and it was that moment that Ned was sure that Jimbo would be all right, and would live to help clean their house another day. They might be in the autumn of their lives, but the part where autumn gives way to winter was a long ways off. Ned didn't let go as he led them both out of the room, down the hall and into their bedroom.

They didn't get any more cleaning done that day :-)


End file.
